Kootenay Crust

By Ian Cobb

By now you’ve all seen a few dozen memes noting how Alberta and Canada are plunging out of control into the toilet and how hell has frozen over.

If you’ve been cowering in a blind corner in the back end of nowhere (just west of Flin Flon and a tad over there), you know that Alberta has been swamped by a sea of orange.

Commie heathens have taken over the province next to us. British Columbia now stands alone as the right wing bastion of Canada; the sole hope for ‘max money for me first; screw the rest’ ala Stevo Harper.

So you can see how some people believe that hell has barfed open on the eastern side of the Rockies.

FYI, On May 5, Rachel Notley’s Alberta NDP won 53 ridings, while the upstart Wildrose took 21 seats. The PCs held onto 10 seats. The PCs can’t even blame the Wildrose for splitting the vote. They just got their asses kicked because the electorate stated en masse, “that’s enough of you then.”

I anticipate a surge of Albertans fleeing into the East Kootenay any second now; at the least, next Friday evening. We are approaching May long weekend after all. I visualize large white trailer pulling F-450s and Humvees piled high with ATVs caravanning out of Alberta, in search of kindred spirits who want their government to perform ‘sundry acts’ on the wealthy and keep the eff out of their business.

Man, it really is mind blowing to think of Alberta being run by the NDP.

It’s like waking up from a long sleep and opening your eyes to see that the sky is caput mortuum coloured instead of blue. I can only imagine what it must be like to be an Alberta PC supporter. The despair, the despair… of a first world problem sufferer.

In the fevered 57% voter turnout blink of an eye, our eastern neighbours have shed 44 straight years of Conservative Party rule and are now embarking on a great socialist experiment where left wingers will be forced to come to terms with the oil and gas industry. Holy heralds trumpet in the minds of op-ed cartoonists, comedians, frenzied tweeters and scribes.

Thus far I haven’t heard of any oil-mongers throwing themselves off their stacks of cash, but I am seeing a whole bunch of doom and gloom from the right and ecstatic smugness from the left. The usual stuff.

Personally, I see this departure from the right as a fresh breeze blowing from Alberta into B.C. (for a change). As I write this, Albertans are burning their farms and packing Ole Betsy for a creaky trek over the Rockies to the land of milk, honey and right wing government that does whatever it bloody well feels because we drooling simpleton voters don’t know what is good for us.

You see how that worked out in Alberta, right?

It was interesting that Rachel Notley was congratulated and welcomed to the club by B.C. Premier Christy Clark earlier this week, who likely sniggered and chortled after she hung up the phone and muttered, “Good luck sucker.”

Clark staged her own magical feat last year when she pulled the Liberal Party out of a nosedive into the same feces-stuffed quagmire the smug Alberta Conservatives are now floundering. The BC Liberals showed that a clever campaign being run by a reasonably likeable person – especially a woman who could snag a shwack of swing votes – can and does work; ditto in Alberta now, especially when the competition under-estimates the electorate.

So where does this leave Canada’s political picture, as in the Ottawa feces-flinging farce? Opposition Leader Thomas Mulcair is giddy and Liberal Party Leader Justin Trudeau is squeezing arms and shaking hands with renewed false sincerity, while Stephen Harper stews and pouts and then returns to doing whatever the bloody hell he wants and damn anyone who thinks otherwise. I mean, how much of Canada can this sell out pamplemousse give away before we rise up, pitch forks, broken hockey sticks and torches in hand, and ride him out of Ottawa on a rail? Apparently a whole bunch.

Despite Harper’s alleged screaming meemie fit-tossing style, he seems quiet about the recent election in his home province. Perchance he fears lumbering into a Bill C-51 quagmire and end up being endlessly interrogated, his civil right quashed and personal stash confiscated.

Maybe I am kidding. Anyway, one cannot deny the swing in the plot here. Canada has gone from being a nation that is rapidly leaving its once noble stature as a peacekeeper and tender of the weak and downtrodden behind, with the environment and science viewed as the enemy, to a nation entering a fierce spin away from the ‘norm.’

If Alberta can fall prey to the commie hordes, shit, Canada will be bowled aside like a barely walking infant in the way of a hungry black lab when the dry food hits clatters into the dish.

Following the last election, I marveled at how the federal Conservatives managed to win despite not running a campaign or even turning out for their barbecues. Nary a baby had his/her head smooched and still we threw that smug fart Harper back into power.

But the charismatic damage was done as the dying Jack Layton pushed the federal NDP into second place, knocking the Liberals back to where they belong, languishing for their countless sins of decades past.

And here we are; looking across the Great Divide at an orange Alberta. It is a sign of things to come, I fear.

You better wake up and smell the coffee Harper. You’re next. The tide is turning in Canada, for better and worse.

I am hopeful this might lead to the demise of political parties and the rise of governments representative of all, as opposed to those with the most cash, ignorance and guile.

It may be the only way to halt the avalanche of socialism flowing from growing poverty and declining opportunity.

P.S. If you are approaching graduation from high school or are just starting post-secondary education, you might want to think about a career in government. There will be thousands of job openings in the near future, in the Alberta Government and if Harper and company keep behaving like assholes, with the Canadian Government as well.

– Ian Cobb is the owner/editor of e-KNOW who is not represented by any political party because they’re all cults run by demons.

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