Cranbrook has a mostly well-deserved reputation in this region for its… how does one put this delicately – crappy roads.

When I moved to the Key City in 2009 I was already quite familiar with Cranbrook.

I only moved here from Invermere and was quite used to Cranbrook, thanks to covering the Regional District of East Kootenay since before the wrinkling of Jim Ogilvie and because I always believed that shopping in Cranbrook WAS shopping locally, even though I lived in Invermere. That’s what defines a ‘market centre.’

As Invermere is the market centre of the Columbia Valley, so too is Cranbrook the market centre of the East Kootenay.

Sorry for the digression. I was trying to make it clear that I’m not oblivious about what has occurred in Cranbrook and area over the past couple of decades.

And the crappy roads have always been an issue; just as they are in most other East Kootenay municipalities, quite frankly.

I see you giggling over there Radium Hot Springs. Yes, you are exempt from that blaringly sweeping statement that I really just tossed out there without thinking. And perhaps you are, as well, Elkford and Sparwood. Having written that, I can’t think of any other municipalities in the region that don’t have road-way issues.

Roads. Sewers. Water. Garbage. Repeat after me… roads, sewer, water, garbage – the never ending mantra and guide to municipally-elected officials. They are the four legs of the ‘chair of local government,’ though there could also be a name for the butt-pad – perchance it may be ‘understanding all elements of sociological and community growth with a wisdom surpassing Solomon and skin thicker than a decidedly alcoholic firewalker’s feet.’ (That overtly lengthy sentence was for my friend Bob.)

Crap. I have digressed again. There’s so much to say. After having been muzzled by oppressive slave-masters for so many millennia, I must say it is so daringly refreshing to stare at a blank white screen, and beyond an un-censored horizon where so many imps and devils throw chess and checker pieces at one another.

So… the potholes of Cranbrook. Aside from being a potentially cool name for a band, the potholes of Cranbrook can be a challenge for those who regularly toodle about the wee city, which you can really walk across in 15 minutes should you be so-inclined or forced to thanks to the stiffening of drinking and driving laws. It’s actually a bit boggling to think the RCMP continue to be up to their chins in people pushing that shrunken limit, even with the apparent demise of drinking establishments. (Rest well Shananigans, The Byng and Finigans.)

I used to view Cranbrook as the place where alignments on vehicles smaller than F-350s or equivalent came to die. On one occasion, freshly arrived in the city from the valley, clutching a steaming hot Egg Mcmuffin and heading toward the RDEK offices, I hit a pothole and ended up having my chin smeared with violently hot processed cheese insanity.

I spent the better part of the following regional government meeting trying to hide my shameful burn mark, which showed in full beet-red glory that I was a horribly spastic devourer of foods that should be banned by the UN. Thankfully, I skulk in the back of the boardroom, my back to the wall, with shotgun ready. So no one actually noticed I had a minor scalding of the chin due to Cranbrook’s crappy roads.

When then Mayor Ross Priest walked into the board room I wanted to lunge at him shrieking, “can you explain to me and the taxpaying public how you can sit idly by and let innocent liquid-fire-cheese-on-their-breakfast-sandwich-eating people be victimized by your city’s roads?”

Alas. I just sat there, covering my chin and scowling. Frig.

So it was and so it is for those who live beyond the boundaries of Cranbrook. And so it is for most of the rest of the municipalities in this region.

Roads cost a dementedly large amount of money to fix.

And with that in mind, I bring this to a close by stating that I think Cranbrook has done a stellar job the last few years, if not a few more years before.

Why just the other day, while turning right and east from Willowbrook onto Cranbrook, I marveled at the fact that the axle, suspension and alignment-threatening series of potholes was GONE. It was nicely patched up.

This made me look around a bit more and I started to notice more potholes have been filled in. And for that, I say ‘thank you’ to the city for that effort.

The city continues to fix and patch roads, as it is supposed to do. Some residents in Cranbrook are now enjoying beautifully improved roadways. Other residents are bellowing requests of a lurid physical nature I cannot abide by in my delicate state, because their roads continue to claim bits and chunks of their undercarriages and they don’t agree with me.

Such is the challenge faced by City of Cranbrook elected officials and administration.

There is an election coming. Do you think you can help the city make a major dent in its roadwork plans, that won’t be onerous on taxpayers? Please, for the love of God, run for council and lay those plans down. Or force a friend to run for council and make them carry your issue banner into battle. Hahahaha… that’s just silly. That doesn’t happen, does it?

Meanwhile, don’t take a bite of a molten-hot breakfast sandwich if you are not certain that it won’t come smashing into your chin while driving through ANY town.

Yours truly, Kirk Douglas

Ian Cobb/e-KNOW

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